I Ask for Peace

If you find me in a daze, I'm most likely thinking about my childhood.

Here is why:

It was trauma-filled just like an eclair (filled pastry). 

The funny thing about this discovery is that I didn't recognize this disassociation. To me, I was here in the present moment. 

But, I wasn't. 

The harsh realization came to me this past year in psychodynamic therapy. I first started attending this 1-on-1 therapy earlier in 2020.

Honestly, it was pretty tough to accept the fact that I needed extra help in balancing my thoughts/emotions. But, it was necessary because I was in shock from all the misfortunate events that had occurred in January and February. Both of my parents were on their brink of life and I became paralyzed in thought. I found myself crumbling into a dark and dim space of negativity and derealization.

Just like the movies, when I first entered through the doors of my therapist's office. A long sofa and wooden cushioned chair stood parallel to each other. A rectangular table with floral decoratives and a box of tissue framed the empty space between the seats. 

I had to open up myself in front of a stranger. 

It was frightening because judgment, dismissal, and belittlement were common responses when I shared my trauma with people. This constant cycle made me believe my experiences weren't harsh, toxic realities since it didn't cause any reaction from others. But, I couldn't blame them either because sometimes it's hard to say/be there for someone if you can't understand their pain.

Therefore, I bottled the emotional responses of these traumatic moments because I believed it wasn't necessary to express myself since it wasn't a big deal. 

This discovery of my reality created anger and sadness. The people in my life that stood angelically in my eyes seem to reveal themselves as shadows. 

"They're human after all", I'd tell myself. 

But, the constant patterns of harm appeared even after communicating this reality. I needed support. 

Yet, I shut down. 

The anger only grew inside of me. 

But, I didn't want to feel this anger because these people didn't mean to hurt me or that's what I thought. 

Therefore, after months and months of therapy. I started to realize that I needed to break these generational cycles of pain and hurt because, in reality, I learned my lack of self-worth within my own home as a child. 

I needed to forgive my parents and those who harmed me at a young age for me to heal and discover my true worth.

Currently, I am learning to forgive the pain of my childhood, which isn't easy at all.

It's a rollercoaster of emotions, late-night journaling, reading, meditation, and sweat-inducing nightmares.

In this journey of forgiveness, I've also picked up a book to read (highly recommended by my therapist), The Book of Forgiving: The Fourfold Path for Healing Ourselves and Our World by Desmond M. Tutu and Mpho A. Tutu. This self-evaluating book has honestly changed my outlook on forgiveness. 

When first reading the book, it was quite a hard pill to swallow since it burned down this idea of "forgiveness" already planted in my head.

Although, it started to become this new refreshing view about forgiveness after I allowed myself the space to openness and vulnerability. Therefore, I'd highly recommend everyone to read this book.

I'll be noting down a few resonating quotes from the book itself:

"It seems there is no end to the creative ways we humans can find to hurt each other and no end to the reasons we feel justified in doing so.(The Book of Forgiving, pg.8)"

"Fourfold Path of forgiving: Telling the Story, Naming the Hurt, Granting Forgiveness, and Renewing or Releasing the Relationship. (The Book of Forgiving, pg.12)"

"We have done so because even those who need forgiveness must also forgive the harm that done to them. (The Book of Forgiving, pg.15)

"To forgive is not to pretend that what happened did not happen. (The Book of Forgiving, pg.37)"

I've also been dedicating time to music again, something which brings me joy.

After all, the healing process shouldn't be so dreadful.

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