Reflecting on Our Inner Chaos - Response to 'Woman' by Angel Olsen

You can leave now if you want to
I'll still be around
This parade is almost over
And I'm still your clown

As of lately, the days seem to pass with anxiety-filled thoughts. 

The subject of love is a subject of delicacy that has been on my mind. A subject that often blinds individuals and confuses others, especially with the idea of lust being of a similar mold to some individuals' peripheral vision.  

I remember sitting at the old wooden engraved kitchen table at my aunt's house in Whittier during my junior year semester of college. Overwhelmed and depressed due to the recent break-up of a former boyfriend who picked another before me. My aunt advised me it was normal for men to lust over another and it only reinforced their love towards the broken individual furthermore in the future. 

I was completely appalled. 

I questioned whether this thought process was normalized when infidelity occurred in relationships; Was this the secret to the old fashion type of love? The one love your grandparents brag about in the living room during the holiday parties. 

With no promise of the future
Am I not allowed
To think kindly of a stranger
Who reflects the sound
Of my heartache
As it's beating

For days, I remember sitting with this conversation in mind. I am a pensive person and tend to isolate myself for reflection in the oddest, new places which seem to fuel my brain. 

I slept in my Fiat 500L (one part was because we were dealing with bed bugs) but it made me realize that this old fashion loves most people brag about seems to mold around the idea of machismo. 

The woman needing to sacrifice their mental and emotional well-being and work around the timing of men. I'm pretty sure women are trained to withhold more than the male species emotionally and mentally, prove me wrong but I wholeheartedly believe this especially in the career field. So I learned that we don't need to drag ourselves through the dirt for a respected love, we can simply walk away. 

And I could still breathe for you
Open up and scream for you
Tell me what I wouldn't do
Tell me that love isn't true