2020

We have made it through the year of social distancing and introvert glory. Despite, the growing distance between everyone, the resistance to change grew closer. 

The COVID-19 pandemic brought lost jobs, lost homes, self-doubt, love, performance activism, and misery. I believe the list goes on from person to person because frankly, I believe this year brought an awakening for everyone. 

Recently, as I rushed out my bedroom door to the restroom in an attempt to awaken my depleted body. I looked in the mirror and there stood a 23-year-old. The sunken eye bags laid on the surfaces of my plump cheeks. Lips dry and crisp resulting from the damages of the on-and-off cold California weather. Dark hair laid on each side of my almond-shaped face.

I registered myself as a different type of adult, a grown one. 

I created a dialogue with myself at the moment of observation.

I would have never thought that East Los Angeles would result to be my home at the end of the year. My feet were touching the dirty sand in Long Beach not too long ago. It was the warm home feeling I never wanted to get rid of but I decided to do so.

Unfortunately, I decided to take initiative on the change due to circumstances and incompatibility with former friends. I grew into myself and realized the blinded world that stood in front of me. I decided to boost myself into looking after myself and changing the world I stood in.

Something I'd never do before.

I don't blame people for being selfish. After weeks of questioning why people decided to leave my life due to certain miseries of mine. I've realized people don't have the commitment in being there for someone at their lowest. People can decide to walk away. Although, as an empath, it's hard to understand why people decide not to care about others at their lowest.

But, ultimately people can leave a crime scene even if they can contribute to a jury decision. If it is an inconvenience, they can walk away. 

Besides, the several heartbreaks that I am still processing.

I feel awake and not clouded. 

It's admirable to look in the mirror and realize the transformation we do for ourselves in our downfalls. Weirdly enough, I've never appreciated tears falling down my face. Although, tears are a blessing in disguise because at our most vulnerable we forgive ourselves for the hurt others impose on us. This forgiveness sprouts from self-love. 

I tell myself I love myself more often now because I started valuing myself at the same level I held others so highly.

I am worthy of love. 

I am worthy of respect. 

I am worthy of appreciation.