Dig Within

So far, during my internal healing, I've learned a big lesson about myself.

I am the cure to several generational traumas. 

I've connected to my internal self on a deeper scale with some journaling, meditation, and re-visualization of unexplained past traumas. I'm talking about the odd and repeated nightmares that we can't trace back to any meaning. Although I've sat with these messages because I believe my mind had encapsulated them for so long, I needed to dig deeper to understand my fears and triggers. 

Most of these visuals were men approaching me without consent. A young girl (myself) standing frozen and appalled in these memories, while my stomach dropped of anxiousness.

During this meditative state, my breathing skipped various heartbeats, and tears flooded my entire face.

I concluded: my younger self was carrying the baggage of unexplained traumas that repeated during different generations. 

All the women in my family had and are currently under misogynist control. But it's quite common within the Latinx community due to its set traditional gender roles that pushed the idea of "machismo." The man being the stern breadwinner with all the control over the woman, who stayed complacent or otherwise be punished (sexually, mentally, physically).

This idea can be traced back to the early days of imperialism.

I remember my grandfather ("Tata") would tell me at a young age how proud he was to have grown up in a California that wasn't colonized. He was of native descent and held that close to his heart and soul. It was admirable to me. Even in his last days, I still remember him calling me over on his death bed and sharing the last sweet words of love. He wanted the best for my soul because he didn't want us (the women) of our family to replicate the hurt. His last "I love you" still resonates with me today because I knew this man loved me for me not for what I could offer as a woman.

I told myself I'd be the one to change this because of the unspoken promise my grandfather had shared with me on his death bed. 

As I grew older, I realized that our indigenous roots are patronized and targeted because of these systematic harms: colorism and racism. My ancestors had to carry that weight themselves as they surrendered their land. I can't even imagine the hurt my women ancestors had to go through such as sexual, physical, and verbal harassment during these turbulent times of violence.

Recently, I went to a Yoni Steam ritual at a botanica near my job. The small, cozy sacred space was a random find during my lunchtime one day. I felt a need to pick up incense and googled the nearest shop. 

As I approached the space, I met the enthusiastic owner. I believe she sensed my grief and "heavy head" that she started to communicate with me about her healing services. I remember being in awe with her thought process and teared up once I left. For once in the past year, I felt safe.

I then became intrigued by her full-moon Yoni Steam ritual. I immediately signed up and anticipated the day of the healing ritual. As the day approached, I was filled with excitement and fear. I met different women with different life paths, and we all connected through our spiritual journey. We meditated over these distanced seats that contained hot herbal steam, thanking our ancestors, and opening up the communication gateway through tarot cards. 

It was a blissful moment. 

At the end of the ritual, I committed to a waist bead and several self-love affirmations. All the women stayed and witnessed this moment, and it felt amazing. We all shared our goodbyes and heart-warming farewells and headed out into the soul and skin-kissing rain. 

This night I made a vow to myself that I was capable of healing the pain of my bloodline. However, if I couldn't fully heal these cycles of pain, I'd be okay in knowing that I attempted to do so.